In March when I said I was going to try to blog once a month…. I wasn’t expecting the universe to hand me endless amounts of time in order to make that happen.
Like all freelance artists right now I’m struggling to make ends meet, stressed beyond belief anytime I have to leave my apartment and enter the epicenter of the virus in the states, but more than anything I’m mourning the absence of my community in these trying times. Obviously, I am extremely lucky: I have my health, my best friend to keep me sane in the quarantine (shout out Dystany), I can still find toilet paper in a couple bodegas, and my new found side hustle is allowing me to at least pay my bills (more on that later). Still, these times are truly terrifying and, even as I’m typing this I have to pause. No, seriously, I have to pause because it’s 7PM and I need to joint my neighbors in cheering fo the medical professionals and first responders who are putting their lives on the line everyday. We live just a couple blocks from New York Presbyterian Columbia Campus and I hear in the news everyday about how much stress this particular hospital is under, the extreme danger these medical practitioners are in just DOING THEIR JOBS, and I remember how truly blessed and lucky I am. Still, with the death toll in New York State alone reaching close to 11,000 I have to wonder every time I leave my apartment “is today the day that I touch the wrong thing? Pass by an asymptomatic carrier on my walk home? Is this the day I get exposed to the Virus?” Even clad in my mask and latex gloves my anxiety is through the roof and my mind is flooded with uncertainty as we face these next few months, continued unemployment, the final months of our lease, and the ever growing threat of this disease.
More than ANYTHING, I miss being with my artistic community, I miss being a rehearsal room, I miss collaborating with wildly talented and warm hearted friends. Attempting to collaborate virtually has only exacerbated the isolation we are all feeling, digital messaging spikes my anxiety, and maybe I’m a pessimist, but I don’t see how theatre survives in a time of self isolation. Theatre for me, more than storytelling, more than spectacle, more than ANYTHING is the art of gathering. The art of bringing people together, sharing physical space, partaking in a visceral, communal experience that fundamentally brings us back to the basics of our humanity. I’ve watched the zoom readings and I do applaud those theater artists who are attempting to adapt to these virtual times, but at this point it is really just not for me. There is something intrinsically important to me in physically gathering for a piece of theater. In my eyes, art is a catalyst for connection, and theater is the art form that fosters community from that connection. Maybe I’ll do some writing once this overwhelming feeling of dread leaves me, but apart from that I am taking an indefinite break from theater activities until I can actually participate in the kind of art that I want to be part of: the art of gathering. And I’m praying that day returns as soon as possible.
In the meantime, I’ve been crocheting. YES. CROCHETING. A family friend and a dear mentor/loved one, Sandy, taught me how to crochet when I was just a kid. Watching her hands move effortlessly over the hook and yarn made me feel like I was watching magic, and when I start a new crochet project I feel inexplicably tied to her and the other women of my family who spent countless hours making afghans, granny squares and mittens for their families. It connects me to them, and to the people I’m making these projects for. It is helping me to connect in a way that theatre is not currently allowing me to. I’ve been crocheting in my free time pretty much since I moved to New York. It’s a meditative, simple task that brings me back to earth when my mind is racing. After losing both of my jobs in a 24 hour period, I took to twitter to see if anyone would buy these crafts from me in a desperate attempt to supplement my (now non existent) income. Since then my fingers have been busy making magic like I once watched Sandy make. I’m not going to push my crochet commissions on here, for that you’ll have to follow me on social media. (Are you not following me on social media already ????) BUT, I will leave you with some of my favorite pictures of the projects I’ve been working on, and I hope they spark some joy for you. I don’t know where we go from here, but I’m looking forward to finding that future and forging connections with all of you sometime soon.
